Wedding Speeches: The Good The Bad and the Downright Cringe

 

A four‑decade veteran’s guide to the good, the bad, and the catastrophically memorable.  Mostly the bad

Wedding speeches are one of the oldest traditions we still cling to. Centuries ago they were blessings, advice, and family honouring the union. Today… well, they’re still that — sometimes. Other times they’re a roulette wheel of nerves, nostalgia, misplaced confidence, and the occasional social hand‑grenade.

Across most weddings, you can boil the “usual suspects” down to three:

• Father of the Bride - childhood stories, pride, emotion, and occasionally a curveball.
• Bridegroom - how they met, how wonderful she is, thank‑yous, and compliments for the bridesmaids.
• Best Man - replies on behalf of the bridesmaids and spills the tea about the groom’s past indiscretions.

It’s no surprise that I’ve heard hundreds of speeches over my four decades in weddings, some of them entertaining, some of them passed me by (because I don’t know the people involved) but then there were some which stood out.  For the wrong reasons.

The first one was during Covid, so it was delivered via teams on a screen brought into the room.  Unfortunately, that meant nobody could speak to the Best Man first or give him a nudge.  He managed to mention Pornhub in the first thirty seconds…

It was another best man who chose to talk about how the bride “loses her nickname today”.  Obviously, a nickname that doesn’t apply after your wedding day isn’t going to be complimentary – I don’t know what it was, I didn’t hear it, and as I was standing by the Grandparents table at the time, I’m pretty sure they didn’t either.  Fortunately.

Now, as the first speech is from the Father of the Bride, that can set the tone for all the speeches.  Its not always the right tone though.  It’s not unusual for the FOB to wish the couple a lifetime of happiness, “just like me and my wife”.  However, when the wife referred to by name is his second wife, and his first wife – the mother of the bride – is also sat at the top table, the intake of breath around the room nearly blew the windows in!

Not all FOB speeches go like that.  One was very much on brand, talking about his daughter and what she has faced.  In one case though it was about the new house the couple had bought.  It needs renovations, and dad listed them.  Item by item.  Slowly and methodically.  At the point when he announced, “And that brings us to 2018,” some guests visibly started to count on their fingers, and mentally, so did I. His speech lasted 25 minutes. So did the next two. The guests watching the rugby on their phones saw the full-time whistle and post-match wrap up!

Clearly that father was using notes – or possibly a spreadsheet, but not everyone feels the need for notes.  Of course, that could can you end up – like one groom – thanking your mother three times.  I love my mum, but…  I decided it was time to ostentatiously look at my pocket watch, in his eyeline…but he looked everywhere except at me!

Speaking of timing, we had speeches before the meal, and the top table was just in front of the kitchen wall, so no ventilation fans in the kitchen.  The cold starters were plated up and ready to go, but the speeches went on, and on.  After a rather terse question from chef, I crept over to the best man and asked how long the last speech would be.  “Ten minutes” he assured me.  I relayed this to chef…but there were two best men…and they each gave a speech, ten minutes – each.  The starters were almost serving themselves…

 

When we say “keep your speeches heartfelt and brief” – we mean it.  It’s not a life story, it’s not your audition of the Edinburgh fringe.  Viral gags?  Yeah, we saw them on Tik Tok too.

 

5 minutes.  And please – use notes.

Your guests, your caterers, and your Wedding Butler will thank you.

Disclaimer - none of the photos relate to the stories featured!!!